Lately I've been looking up and saying, "Ok, now what?"

Ok, summer came and I enjoy my  job.

Ok, I have 1 year until I student teach.

Ok, I'm over the fact that school is taking much longer than it should have...kinda.

Ok, I'm thinking about going to grad school.

Ok, I'm thinking about making my own peanut butter.

Ok, I'm not really making any sense.

This is basically how I feel on a daily basis. One minute I cannot wait to be done with college, pay off my debt and move on with my life. The next minute the words "grad school" couldn't sound any sweeter. One day I'm thinking about going into counseling-the next, I'm reminded of how much the ideals of a Montessori type of education and school match up with my own. Then my passions for health and wellness and education on these topics decide to dance around in my head. I'm reminded of how strongly I feel and how utterly in awe I am with Birth, Midwifery, Breastfeeding, Parenting, and the list goes on. I am also enticed with the idea of being part of legislation-helping see through the changes I feel so passionately about, but one day I want to change the public school system and the next I want to recognize the practice of Midwifery in my great state. Then there's my "simple" side-I want to be a farmer-a homesteader.

Sometimes it really sucks to be such a scatterbrain. Sometimes I wish I was one-track minded. Then would all this be easier? Would I not get as worked up and stressed out as I do? Would I still look up and say "Ok now what?" Maybe so, maybe not. I saw a video once who had a kid wearing a T-shirt that said GENERAL ANXIETY DISORDER in large bold letters. He then peeled off the label and under it ready ACTIVIST. That video keeps going through my head but I don't really know why, specifically the part I just described. The first, second, and third time I watched it I got goosebumps. But again, I don't know how this is all really relevant, because well, I'm a scatterbrain. I'm in a sea of thoughts and wishing I could compartmentalize them better. Wishing I knew what my next move was, besides showing up for class in August. Wishing I could make it with a purpose and feel like I'm working towards a specific goal, instead of just floundering and looking up saying "Ok now what?"

I talk to people at school and they are doing this major for this reason and want to do such and such. They then ask me and I say uhh, well...and I manage to spit out something eloquent regarding the topics above, smile, and walk away wondering how in the world I came up with that and is this the one that's going to stick? The one that's going to make me feel like I'm doing, or working towards the right thing?

I can rest in the fact that my interests are in based in education in all facets. I feel so strongly in helping people be informed-wether it is guiding 4th graders to come to conclusions on their own or explaining the importance of reading empirical and unbiased research before you make a medical decision (nerd moment).

I can also rest in the word, something I need to be more deliberate in diving into. Proverbs 16:3 is the verse I had on my graduation announcements 3 years ago, before things got complicated upstairs and I need to be reminded that He hasn't changed. His promises remain the same-that's something else I can rest in, something I can find comfort in. So I will continue to commit and also continue to try to not lean on my own understanding. I will continue to talk about the things I'm passionate about-even if it pertains to a door knob because that's when I feel so alive, that's when I feel like I'm making more of a difference and helping fulfill my purpose---whatever it is.

But still...sometimes...


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