Am I Ready?

As I sit here with my swollen ankles, feet, and hands in my sundress, snow is melting here, ipso facto-the pregnant lady is melting too, I had a thought.

Am I ready?

This may be a very common thought for women literally days away from their due date, but mine? Mine isn't about if I'm ready to be up all night. Is the baby room ready? HA. How will I care for a newborn?  Am I ready to never pee alone again? Am I ready for this big change?

I'm not sure one can really ever be ready for those things so I have chosen to not sit around and waste my time worrying about such. I've prayed for the Lord to prepare my heart, organized the diapers, and made some things tidier so that they are easier to find in our beginning days. But other than that, I think I'll be bold and say I'm ready enough when we are talking about those types of things. Besides, Jerrel and I are kinda "roll with the punches" type people-"figure it out as we go." So my unreadiness is more or less a 3 year old issue. What I'm not sure I'm ready for?


Now this will make the Grandma's cringe, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to share this baby. Maybe I'm not uncomfortable enough yet. I like not being alone, literally not being alone. There is another human inside of me, let us all revel in that one more time. I like watching my stomach move and feeling the little knees jab my ribs. It's endearing. I love that it's just us. That we are one, I can't hand baby off yet, he/she is mine, all mine. I have so enjoyed this season being between me, God, baby, and Jerrel. The waiting on finding out the gender and picking names but not telling-just us. Our privacy has been lovely. I'm not quite ready to have the baby and share with the world.

I know it's not the whole world but right now, we are comfy, warm, and quiet. I also know that we have some of the best people on the planet to share this baby with, a fact I am forever thankful for. I realize this daily. However, I still revert to a selfish 3 year old sometimes and simply don't want to share. I think my husband has influenced this. He has had this mentality from the get go. Senor Smarty Pants needs the word MINE tattooed on his forehead. For me it came along when this 6lb-ish baby started responding to children's voices, my voice and Jerrel's voice more obviously. Things became more real and time became more cherished.

Oh I'm excited to meet the little booger. I'm excited to kiss the fingers and all that jazz. I'm probably even more excited to see Jerrel with Sugar Bean. He is going to be incredible. But right now?

I'm just not quite ready to share.


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